On old photographs and memories

I recently read my deceased mother's speech which she gave years ago at a woman's club. I know I must have read it before and I know parts about it, but somehow it seemed all new again and brought fresh tears and heartache as I read it. She was a hell of woman, my mom was. She is one of the true rags to riches stories you read or watch all the time in those television specials. It makes me proud to be her daughter and makes me appreciate more what I have today.

I also keep a green plaid box (since green was her favorite color) where I keep hundreds of her photos. No exaggeration. Whenever there was a camera, she was always ready with a pose and a smile.

Due to the number of photos, I now have a dilemma. I am a sentimental person, but I am also a practical one (cognitive dissonance - thanks, Midnight in Paris). I've been holding on to these photos for so long, and I've also scanned them so I have them in digital form, but I still haven't let go of them. Should I even let go of them? But what if one day my hard drives are wiped? What if there was a sudden Revolution-type event when I don't have a handy photo of my loved ones besides the one on my smartphone or any electronic device? But do I have to keep all of these photos? Am I being too paranoid? 

If I was still living in my old house where there are rooms to spare for storage, this wouldn't even be up for discussion. Now that I am living in barely a 50 sqm condo, it presents a problem. But how can a person bear to part with old photographs and the memories that come with them?

I've been researching this topic, hoping to find someone somewhere to tell me what to keep and what to throw away.

The thing I have semi-decided on was making a scrapbook of some sort. I don't want to call it a scrapbook, but more of a book-book. A memorial book? Or maybe that is all the same thing. But whatever. I am making a book. I plan on filling it with my favorite pictures of her, little snippets from her speech, and maybe some of her handwritten notes. Maybe I'll have it professionally printed in one of those glossy photo books that it'll look like a coffee table book that anyone can browse through without going through boxes of her stuff. Then most of the stuff, I'll probably throw away.

Big project. Huge. At least for me. It's going to be tough physically, mentally, and emotionally to do it. But I do feel that it's the best thing to do. I have to move on, but not without respecting who my mother was. I feel that this book will be a perfect tribute to her and her life and to the wonderful woman she was.

Solanin

If there is a manga that is so fitting for me right now, it's Asano Inio's Solanin.

This manga has been on my to-read list ever since I went to the Manga Realities exhibit a year ago. Maybe it's kismet that I read this now at a time when it echoes my own thoughts.

Solanin is a story about a twenty-something Meiko who is feeling aimless about her life, probably encountering the so-called quarter life crisis that plagues most of us during that age. She quits her job and, together with her live-in boyfriend Taneda and their group of college friends, decides to find the answers to what freedom, purpose, and happiness really means.

Here are some of the notable quotes from the manga:

Freedom without any purpose feels a whole lot like boredom.

The lyrics I struggled to create are only made up so I would have something to sing. Nothing genuine can come out of these flat and boring and ambiguous lives we're living, out of faking your worries for the sake of it.

It's because you haven't found that something you simply have to convey to people.

That's why we're using this moment to change the days spent using the rest of our lives to the the days building the rest of our lives.

But at times I remember that I'm making no contribution to society and I feel like the dead, someone who doesn't exist. It's terrifying. It keeps me up at night sometimes.

Who Are You?

This is my last art journal entry for 2011... and is currently still the last entry. Yeah, yeah... I'm frustrated about it too. Ever since I started going to the gym I feel like I have no time for anything else (probably because I'm too tired after the workouts LOL). I've been putting off my art and other matters. But things are going to go back to normal soon (I hope) and after I rearrange some things, I can finally divide my focus with the myriad of things I left hanging.

This was the result of going through my box of mementos from my high school and college years. I came across some letters which were given to me during retreats and those papers that were passed around the class where you had to write down something to describe the person whose name appears on top of the paper. Well, in my case it was full of "smart", "quiet", "kind", etc. Though I don't discount that I may have given off that vibe then, I was  a conduct awardee after all, I realized that it was a bit superficial. Was it my classmates' fault for not digging deeper or was it my fault that I didn't open up myself to them more?

Or maybe this was all just a result of not knowing who I was at that time either. How could they know when I didn't even know myself? 

To tell the truth, after all these years I still haven't quite figured it out yet.

But I would like to think that I'm getting there.

Waiting In Line

Amidst my seclusion the past weeks due to my Smallville marathon (more on that later), I found the time to get my bills paid. Believe me, if only I could pay it through online banking, I would have never stepped out of my condo. But it was just at the corner, literally, so it wasn't so bad to go out and get a little exercise. (Hah!)

When I got to the bank, I remembered why I hated going there. Two words: long lines. I went to two different branches and it was the same. Why is it that whenever you go to banks it seems that the tellers always go on a break and there is only one remaining?

I decided to make good use of my time, and let out some frustration in the process. And I came up with this little ditty. 

We fall in line to give them our money

Try to avoid looking at each other's eye

To reveal how much is your worth

In dollars, nickels and dimes.

Tell me when my number's up

Tell me when it's my turn

To meet that girl who's in front of this line

Who'll take what's mine with a smile.

Eventually, it ended up in an art journal entry.

...Yeah, I'm still figuring out this art journal thing. My gesso basically turned into rubber so I wasn't able to paint the background. Not satisfied with it at all. But I figured art is an evolving thing so maybe I'll revisit this for some improvements later on.

Speaking of improvements, I already made some on my previous entry:

Just added a few sunflowers I cut out, but it looks marginally better, right? I think it gives it a more uplifting, optimistic look. But... it still needs... something. Ah, well.

By the way, for more of my emo writing - my alter-ego is at Quilled Thoughts. Please be kind. :)

I've got a feeling

I'm still sucky about doing these art journals. I'm now thinking that it's just scrapbooking without the pictures?

I just finished watching the anime Beck and reading its continuation in the manga. Despite my current love of K-Pop, I initially was a rock fan due to my older brother's influence. Watching Beck made me revisit that and I've got this song from the Beck OST stuck on my head. Originally by The Beatles, I've Got A Feeling is just really upbeat and mellow at the same time. The contrasting lines of the song just fits what I'm feeling at the moment. Yeah, your life has its ups and downs... but everybody does. Just chill.

I wish I could sing it live just like what Beck did at Greatful Sound. How cool was that?

A grown-up wish list

I turned 28 today. 28. Wait, let me check... Yup. Still 28. I can hardly believe it. Where have the years gone?

I know I shouldn't be complaining. Pssh. There are a lot of older people than I am. But still, every time it's your birthday there's a feeling like "whoa there, are you sure about what you're doing?" I guess that's the use of birthdays. It reminds you to think about your existence on this earth.

So, sans egg pie, I will now reflect on what I really want for my birthday this year.

1. I wish I'd talk less. I don't look like it, but I think I'm quite the chatterbox. I have the tendency to over share and talk and talk and talk. I wish that now that I am older, I would learn how to talk less and listen more. Besides the fact that it will give me the air of mystery (yeah, right), it will hopefully make me more understanding too.

2. I wish I'd finally get serious. Maybe it's the company I keep, but we really don't feel that old. Or is it that we haven't reached that stage yet? But, yeah... We still feel like we're teenagers sometimes. We like to watch movies, anime, play online games, and wear sneakers. I keep telling myself that it's okay, but there are also times I wish I'd start getting to those plans and dreams I had when I was still a teenager. I said then, "when I'm older"... now I guess I am.

from dear musketeer

3. I wish for more courage. I don't mean not to be scared of flying cockroaches or rats (because I don't think I can get over that), but to be more courageous about doing and experiencing new things. I've always been cautious and that may have limited me in a lot of ways. I'm still going to be cautious, but I have to start stepping out of my comfort zone.

There are still a lot of things I wish for. A good night's sleep for the rest of my life, more good friends, good health to all my loved ones... More than physical things, I want those more. Heh. Maybe I am growing up.

So here's to hoping Somebody up there is reading this and grant me my wishes.

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All images taken from Pinterest. Credits to original owners.