Breathe (2 AM) - Anna Nalick

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me, Threatening the life it belongs to...

With my eyes closed, I blindly reach for the clock on my bedside table. When I finally grasp the blasted thing in my hand, I crack open one eye to take a peek at the glow in the dark face and curse inwardly.

I've been lying awake for the past two hours.

With a sigh of resignation, I get up and try to navigate through the darkness into my computer. I turn on the monitor and check my torrents. Only a few hours left. Good.

I surf around the net for a little while, catching up on news on the other side of the world - where people are awake for legitimate reasons and not like me who feels like she's the only person awake for miles.

When there is nothing more to do, no more sites to visit, no more status updates, no more tweets, and a final check on my torrents, I turn off the monitor and go back to bed for another round of catch the Sandman.

But the battle wages on. Insomnia still leads.

I struggle, wanting to force my sleep. I close my eyes and think of nothing and everything. But the loud ticking of the silent clock is in my ears and in my head.

I give up and get out of bed again, turn on the light. Then I turn to something reliable. A cure for what ails me.

So with a pen and my journal in hand, I let the poison seep out through me and bleed ink into the smooth ruled pages. My hopes, my regrets, my dreams, my heartaches - flowing in an inconstant stream of thought.

Until finally I am blank again.

And this time, when I turned off the light, there is only the dark and me and the dreams that I won't remember.

For the next time when sleep eludes again.

Nothing

Hey You,

I still remember that summer. Or that hazy period between May and June when everything seemed overly sentimental like an old Polaroid picture. Already you could feel that that summer was coming to a close - that the time of blue skies, orange sunsets, and humid nights where you laid on the grass while staring at the stars were nearly over.

The summer sun was just making its quick descent to the horizon as I walked, my sandals slapping against the cooling pavement. Just an excited, anxious girl who had no desire to stay yet was in no hurry to leave. Lost in my own thoughts, I suddenly heard someone call out my name. I stopped and slowly turned. And then there you were.

You - with the messy mop of hair and that boyish smile that almost seemed like it was curved in a perpetual smirk.

I saw you struggle with yourself. Hesitating. Like there were so many things you wanted to say, but the words just wouldn’t come out.

So I held my breath and waited. Wondering. Wishing. Hoping.

I don’t know how long we stood there, staring at each other from that short distance. It must have been just seconds, but it felt like time was on slow motion and it was hours before you finally shook your head a little, as if coming out of a reverie. And with a sigh and a smile you said, “Nothing. Just nothing.”

I felt a twinge in my heart, disappointed as someone who had dearly hoped for something could only feel. But then, who was I to hope when I myself couldn’t find the courage to say the words I wanted to hear? So in silent understanding, I returned your smile – trying to mask what I felt right then at my face. With a nod of farewell, I turned and continued on my way, not looking back but with every step a prayer.

Until the next time you call my name again…

Me

Why Write?

"You only learn to be a better writer by actually writing."
~ Doris Lessing